Meds - Fail

I feel like I've failed, big time.  

I've only tried Risperdal for a week, at a super low dose, but I'm going to stop taking it already.

Last year, around this time, I was prescribed an antidepressant called Lexapro. My previous psychiatrist said it would stop my panic attacks, but it did not help. At all. My panics got worse and it made me unhappy to be alive. After three days I called the pharmacy, who heard me cry and told me that it would be OK to quit them, if I was not feeling good. My psychiatrist was very angry, because I should have pushed through, but I was not willing to feel suicidal. 


So this year, new psychiatrist and new diagnosis, I've been on Risperdal which is an anti-psychotic medication. I've been doubting about this all week, because the side effects (which should only occur in higher dosis and not last more than a few days) keep being very present. My head is bursting 24/7, I'm extremely grumpy to A., I don't see the joy in anything and I still get over stimulated. The only difference is that I cannot see the over stimulation coming, when taking Risperdal. 


I've explained this feeling to my psychologist yesterday (who says I should say these exact words to my psychiatrist, next week):
Without Risperdal, my world is colourful. It's also noisy and full of (self-made) deadlines. It's stressful, but it keeps me going. Because of these deadlines, I get things done. Even if it's just laundry or taking a shower. :)
With Risperdal, it all looks grey, almost black and white. Obviously I do see colours, but they don't 'hit' me as hard. Sounds appear softer and I don't care about anything. But then, without warning, this grey world changes to a busy fun fair. Neon lights, loads of screaming people, loud shitty music and a voice who keeps repeating: "Get away from here! Go home! Run away!"
Problem: This change happens outside of my house. When I'm on my way to an appointment, in line at the supermarket or whatever. 
Yesterday, that happened while I was in the office of my psychologist. 

What that feels like? Absolute CRAP.
I'd rather feel every single stimulating thing (every noise, every bright light..) so I can estimate how much time I have 'left' before getting panicked, than getting hit by this 'fun fair' in my head. Also, the 'grey version' of the world is boring as hell. 


Anyways (there's that stupid word again): Don't worry too much. I'm trying to take care of myself. But I do firmly dislike that another medication-trial has failed.