A very quick update:
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday. We have agreed (not very surprising) that Risperdal is a bad choice for me and that I'm not going to take it anymore. Instead, we are starting a search for a type of medication that agrees with me and will help me sleep and chill out if needed.
Not quite ideal, because I still get over stimulated every day. But it's great to not have killer headaches anymore and I now feel when I need to rest (again).
Also, not related to meds but a statement I need to make:
Street music that is not tuneful should be illegal!
There. Done. Now I'm gonna put up my hammock in the garden and read a book or something. :)
Friday, 20 April 2018
Saturday, 14 April 2018
Self-care
Selfcare is difficult for me, I kind of suck at it.
I know that certain things just have to be done, because that is how it is. Eating, drinking, going to the toilet, shower, brushing teeth and taking a rest/sleep. Those are kind of the basics, I guess. Let's have a list.
- Eating - I do because I have to. I rarely eat because I'm hungry, more often I do because it is 'time to eat'. I have not had lunch in years, so I usually just eat breakfast and dinner. I make a meal plan for dinners and (try to) stick to it. If I did not have a partner who likes variation, I would easily eat the same stuff every week.
- Drink - I don't get enough fluids. I know this. I have five 'drinking moments' in my day planner, but only have two drinks per day (if at home). I skip the others, because I forget and I seriously do not feel thirsty. I do, however, drink a glass of water during appointments out of the house. I guess I do because that is what I am 'supposed to'. :)
- Going the toilet - Often forget this too. I don't feel the urge to go, until my stomach is seriously hurts and I realise that I have not 'been' all day.
- Showers - Absolutely crap. Hate with a passion. When I was on Risperdal, I did not shower for a week (!!), just because I did not care. When not on meds, I shower twice (or sometimes three times) per week. I hate everything about it. The water on my skin (or worse: on my scalp), the difference between the warm water and the cold air, the towel (and itchy skin) afterwards... AWFUL! I have made a change that kind of helps, though: I have changed my shower-towels to muslin cloth. It's not as sore and it makes the whole thing less traumatic.
- Brushing teeth - Nope. I hate the feeling of the toothbrush on my gums, using (soft)picks makes my whole body uncomfortable and toothpaste often tastes gross. So I'm slowly finding solutions. A mega-soft toothbrush and 'tasty' toothpaste (as a 'reward' after a long day) make it less stressful, but I'm not sure about the picks. I have an appointment at the hygienist soon, so hopefully she has some good ideas.
- Sleep/rest - Sigh. I know I need an hour of 'chill out time' every afternoon, but I skip it out of stubbornness. That makes me over stimulated, which in turn makes my sleep at night less efficient. That then makes that I wake up tired and half wound-up already. I need to learn how to chill out better, in order to not get another burn-out.
Self-care is not my strong suit. At all. :D
I know that certain things just have to be done, because that is how it is. Eating, drinking, going to the toilet, shower, brushing teeth and taking a rest/sleep. Those are kind of the basics, I guess. Let's have a list.
- Eating - I do because I have to. I rarely eat because I'm hungry, more often I do because it is 'time to eat'. I have not had lunch in years, so I usually just eat breakfast and dinner. I make a meal plan for dinners and (try to) stick to it. If I did not have a partner who likes variation, I would easily eat the same stuff every week.
- Drink - I don't get enough fluids. I know this. I have five 'drinking moments' in my day planner, but only have two drinks per day (if at home). I skip the others, because I forget and I seriously do not feel thirsty. I do, however, drink a glass of water during appointments out of the house. I guess I do because that is what I am 'supposed to'. :)
- Going the toilet - Often forget this too. I don't feel the urge to go, until my stomach is seriously hurts and I realise that I have not 'been' all day.
- Showers - Absolutely crap. Hate with a passion. When I was on Risperdal, I did not shower for a week (!!), just because I did not care. When not on meds, I shower twice (or sometimes three times) per week. I hate everything about it. The water on my skin (or worse: on my scalp), the difference between the warm water and the cold air, the towel (and itchy skin) afterwards... AWFUL! I have made a change that kind of helps, though: I have changed my shower-towels to muslin cloth. It's not as sore and it makes the whole thing less traumatic.
- Brushing teeth - Nope. I hate the feeling of the toothbrush on my gums, using (soft)picks makes my whole body uncomfortable and toothpaste often tastes gross. So I'm slowly finding solutions. A mega-soft toothbrush and 'tasty' toothpaste (as a 'reward' after a long day) make it less stressful, but I'm not sure about the picks. I have an appointment at the hygienist soon, so hopefully she has some good ideas.
- Sleep/rest - Sigh. I know I need an hour of 'chill out time' every afternoon, but I skip it out of stubbornness. That makes me over stimulated, which in turn makes my sleep at night less efficient. That then makes that I wake up tired and half wound-up already. I need to learn how to chill out better, in order to not get another burn-out.
Self-care is not my strong suit. At all. :D
Meds - Fail
I feel like I've failed, big time.
I've only tried Risperdal for a week, at a super low dose, but I'm going to stop taking it already.
Last year, around this time, I was prescribed an antidepressant called Lexapro. My previous psychiatrist said it would stop my panic attacks, but it did not help. At all. My panics got worse and it made me unhappy to be alive. After three days I called the pharmacy, who heard me cry and told me that it would be OK to quit them, if I was not feeling good. My psychiatrist was very angry, because I should have pushed through, but I was not willing to feel suicidal.
So this year, new psychiatrist and new diagnosis, I've been on Risperdal which is an anti-psychotic medication. I've been doubting about this all week, because the side effects (which should only occur in higher dosis and not last more than a few days) keep being very present. My head is bursting 24/7, I'm extremely grumpy to A., I don't see the joy in anything and I still get over stimulated. The only difference is that I cannot see the over stimulation coming, when taking Risperdal.
I've explained this feeling to my psychologist yesterday (who says I should say these exact words to my psychiatrist, next week):
Without Risperdal, my world is colourful. It's also noisy and full of (self-made) deadlines. It's stressful, but it keeps me going. Because of these deadlines, I get things done. Even if it's just laundry or taking a shower. :)
With Risperdal, it all looks grey, almost black and white. Obviously I do see colours, but they don't 'hit' me as hard. Sounds appear softer and I don't care about anything. But then, without warning, this grey world changes to a busy fun fair. Neon lights, loads of screaming people, loud shitty music and a voice who keeps repeating: "Get away from here! Go home! Run away!"
Problem: This change happens outside of my house. When I'm on my way to an appointment, in line at the supermarket or whatever.
Yesterday, that happened while I was in the office of my psychologist.
What that feels like? Absolute CRAP.
I'd rather feel every single stimulating thing (every noise, every bright light..) so I can estimate how much time I have 'left' before getting panicked, than getting hit by this 'fun fair' in my head. Also, the 'grey version' of the world is boring as hell.
Anyways (there's that stupid word again): Don't worry too much. I'm trying to take care of myself. But I do firmly dislike that another medication-trial has failed.
I've only tried Risperdal for a week, at a super low dose, but I'm going to stop taking it already.
Last year, around this time, I was prescribed an antidepressant called Lexapro. My previous psychiatrist said it would stop my panic attacks, but it did not help. At all. My panics got worse and it made me unhappy to be alive. After three days I called the pharmacy, who heard me cry and told me that it would be OK to quit them, if I was not feeling good. My psychiatrist was very angry, because I should have pushed through, but I was not willing to feel suicidal.
So this year, new psychiatrist and new diagnosis, I've been on Risperdal which is an anti-psychotic medication. I've been doubting about this all week, because the side effects (which should only occur in higher dosis and not last more than a few days) keep being very present. My head is bursting 24/7, I'm extremely grumpy to A., I don't see the joy in anything and I still get over stimulated. The only difference is that I cannot see the over stimulation coming, when taking Risperdal.
I've explained this feeling to my psychologist yesterday (who says I should say these exact words to my psychiatrist, next week):
Without Risperdal, my world is colourful. It's also noisy and full of (self-made) deadlines. It's stressful, but it keeps me going. Because of these deadlines, I get things done. Even if it's just laundry or taking a shower. :)
With Risperdal, it all looks grey, almost black and white. Obviously I do see colours, but they don't 'hit' me as hard. Sounds appear softer and I don't care about anything. But then, without warning, this grey world changes to a busy fun fair. Neon lights, loads of screaming people, loud shitty music and a voice who keeps repeating: "Get away from here! Go home! Run away!"
Problem: This change happens outside of my house. When I'm on my way to an appointment, in line at the supermarket or whatever.
Yesterday, that happened while I was in the office of my psychologist.
What that feels like? Absolute CRAP.
I'd rather feel every single stimulating thing (every noise, every bright light..) so I can estimate how much time I have 'left' before getting panicked, than getting hit by this 'fun fair' in my head. Also, the 'grey version' of the world is boring as hell.
Anyways (there's that stupid word again): Don't worry too much. I'm trying to take care of myself. But I do firmly dislike that another medication-trial has failed.
Tuesday, 10 April 2018
Anyways
I tend to 'adopt' catch phrases from people. It used to be "... and stuff". No idea where I picked that up, but it was dead annoying, because it really does not work in formal conversations.
Since a few months, I use "anyways" a lot. It serves as a way to end conversations, end certain topics or just totally as filler.
Anyways, I am sorry. I know it is annoying. I'll pick up a new phrase soon, I'm quite sure. :)
Since a few months, I use "anyways" a lot. It serves as a way to end conversations, end certain topics or just totally as filler.
Anyways, I am sorry. I know it is annoying. I'll pick up a new phrase soon, I'm quite sure. :)
Monday, 9 April 2018
Meds - update
So, I have been on a low dose of Risperdal since Saturday. I'm not sure what to think of it.
The weekend was rough, to be honest. My head was killing me (felt like it was on fire), I was mega-nauseous, dizzy and felt plain old horrible. But that seems to have passed now.
I am, however, not really feeling the advantages of Risperdal. I'm still getting over stimulated by music/noise caused by A. And daylight is still not fun.
So, yeah. Not sure about all this. I kinda just want to not take any meds, to be honest.
The weekend was rough, to be honest. My head was killing me (felt like it was on fire), I was mega-nauseous, dizzy and felt plain old horrible. But that seems to have passed now.
I am, however, not really feeling the advantages of Risperdal. I'm still getting over stimulated by music/noise caused by A. And daylight is still not fun.
So, yeah. Not sure about all this. I kinda just want to not take any meds, to be honest.
Wednesday, 4 April 2018
Meds
I don't know if I am happy, or sad about this. But after seeing my psychiatrist today, I have made up my mind. I'm going to start on medication to 'soften' stimuli during the day.
To be fair, I get over stimulated every single day. Especially sounds and light drives me up the wall. Sometimes I am already dead tired at 11am (I get up at 9am) because of my own fault: I like screens (my phone, tablet, laptop and tv are sometimes all going at the same time) and I try to be efficient in household chores (so I start the dishwasher or washing machine early, to get it all done...)
Anyways. Meds. Starting on Risperdal during the weekend, 2× 0,25mg a day. Which is like a baby-dose. I feel like such a whimp.
To be fair, I get over stimulated every single day. Especially sounds and light drives me up the wall. Sometimes I am already dead tired at 11am (I get up at 9am) because of my own fault: I like screens (my phone, tablet, laptop and tv are sometimes all going at the same time) and I try to be efficient in household chores (so I start the dishwasher or washing machine early, to get it all done...)
Anyways. Meds. Starting on Risperdal during the weekend, 2× 0,25mg a day. Which is like a baby-dose. I feel like such a whimp.
Monday, 2 April 2018
Coming out
Important message:
As we approach the end of Autism Awareness Week, I want to get this out there: I have been sharing quite a few posts, videos and related things about autism on FaceBook. Partly because I think there should be more awareness of, but also because it's increasingly likely (pending diagnosis) that I am autistic.
After several burn-outs and breakdowns throughout my adult life, I began the diagnostic process with my Psychologist earlier this year.
She was astonished that I've never suspected or outright had an ASD (which is called ASS in Dutch LOL) diagnosis before. Astonished because my mannerisms, habits and much more make me practically the poster-girl for what used to be called Asperger Syndrome.
This is more difficult to diagnose in women and often goes overlooked or is misdiagnosed for years as a variety of other things: BPD, depression, anxiety, panic disorder and more. These are often just the outward symptoms of autism, and our response to a world that just 'isn't designed for us'.
Anyways. Sharing autism stuffs because it's nearing the end of Autism Awareness Week and because I felt it was time to update you all and put it out there, that this is why I am, the way I am and to ask for your patience while I figure out how to approach life in a way that no longer burns my candle at 3 ends.
Over and out. :)
PS: Partner A. has ADHD (which is closely related to ASD), and got his diagnosis before me, the bloody hipster! ;)
As we approach the end of Autism Awareness Week, I want to get this out there: I have been sharing quite a few posts, videos and related things about autism on FaceBook. Partly because I think there should be more awareness of, but also because it's increasingly likely (pending diagnosis) that I am autistic.
After several burn-outs and breakdowns throughout my adult life, I began the diagnostic process with my Psychologist earlier this year.
She was astonished that I've never suspected or outright had an ASD (which is called ASS in Dutch LOL) diagnosis before. Astonished because my mannerisms, habits and much more make me practically the poster-girl for what used to be called Asperger Syndrome.
This is more difficult to diagnose in women and often goes overlooked or is misdiagnosed for years as a variety of other things: BPD, depression, anxiety, panic disorder and more. These are often just the outward symptoms of autism, and our response to a world that just 'isn't designed for us'.
Anyways. Sharing autism stuffs because it's nearing the end of Autism Awareness Week and because I felt it was time to update you all and put it out there, that this is why I am, the way I am and to ask for your patience while I figure out how to approach life in a way that no longer burns my candle at 3 ends.
Over and out. :)
PS: Partner A. has ADHD (which is closely related to ASD), and got his diagnosis before me, the bloody hipster! ;)
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